so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
