can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
