Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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