so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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