If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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