she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
either way he was missing a nipple.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
