So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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