Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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