nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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