The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dick very happy bro
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
