I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
4 words: hood of his car
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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