I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
