So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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