how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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