I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
