Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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