I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
