im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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