never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
