If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
