You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
