the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
jump out the window naked night went bad
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