He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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