Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
