kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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