My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
