The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
