Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
