I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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