i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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