Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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