I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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