I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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