When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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