drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
