The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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