you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
