I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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