There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
