Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
