totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
