it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I didn't notice because vodka
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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