But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
