Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
