so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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