Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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