ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
