She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
