Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
