I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dicks are not precious.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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