I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
