btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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