The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
