Cold hands, warm shart.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
