i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
