I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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