I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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